Our Built to Last Sunday School class at St Andrew has been studying Adam Hamilton's book 24 Hours That Changed the World. It has been a fantastic Lenten study guide and examines in detail what Jesus did and what he went through in the last day of his life before being crucified. One of the chapters and themes that has touched me most has been how Hamilton has allowed me to see myself in so many of the 'characters' of the Easter story. Let me share a specific example today.
I learned today that I didn't get any scholarship assistance for seminary. To say I am gravely disappointed is an understatement. I burst into tears upon reading the letter and felt a great sense of rejection. For someone who has a problem with a competitive nature and an obsessive tendency toward perfectionism, this cut deeply. Over the course of a few hours, I went from one who was thanking God and singing praises on the way home from a beautiful spring weekend in Austin. I was thanking Him for extravagantly answering our prayers in getting Adam his new job at Apple (which he starts tomorrow). I was praising Him for a precious sleeping child in my backseat. I was feeling overwhelmed with love at the thought of living in the same city as our parents and other family. Overall, I was having a very much "life is good" ride home today. And then, I went to get the mail when I got home. And my mood changed.
I burst into tears and started saying "Why, God, why??" Why did I just tell my boss 3 days ago that I am leaving the company of my dreams to pursue a nebulous calling that no one else understands? Why am I walking away from a successful career where I can boost my ego and my pride and make money and have fun while doing it? Why did I think this would be a good idea? Why did I want to do this in the first place? Why in the world is our house on the market and why in the world did I just leave my husband in Austin to start a new job so that we now have to live apart for months? WHY GOD, WHY???
I knew the ridiculousness of these cries even while I was having them, but I think that's ok. I think God wants me to feel my true, raw emotion. Especially today, on Palm Sunday. As I started getting past my pity party of one, I started having glimpses of how ironic it was that on Palm Sunday, I had gone from shouting "Hosanna in the highest!" at church this morning and praising my Lord and Savior as we remembered his triumphant entry into Jerusalem to "WHY GOD, WHY?" In a matter of hours, I had pointed all evidence of my calling into one stupid letter. I had doubted God's goodness. His grace. His mercy. His love for me.
This. is. ridiculous. I saw firsthand today how easy it would have been for me to be just a part of the crowd in Jesus' day. Someone who was waving the branch as he rode into town on the donkey, but who would immediately join in the chants of "Crucify Him!" as soon as he did one thing I didn't like. Or as soon as someone else made fun of him. Or as soon as something didn't go my way and put me in a bad mood. Oh how terrible it is to come to the realization that Jesus faced people just like me back then. And that he still carried that cross through town and that he still hung there all morning taking on my sin and suffering. Yes, even those awful four-letter words that came out of my mouth when I cut my foot tonight and thought I would never get through the night in one piece. He died for those. Even my doubt and fear playing stronger than ever tonight, wondering if people at the seminary "are going to like me or think I'm good at this job." He died for those insecurities too. He died for all of the pain that I am feeling today, even though this pain is nothing in terms of real suffering. And He died to ensure I never have to know that eternal suffering. I will be free to enjoy His presence and glory through eternity.
I praise God for the gift of grace through Jesus Christ, His son, who died and took on the sins of the world so that I may never have to shout "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" Who reminds me through His Holy Spirit that He is with me, will provide for me, and loves me unconditionally. Knowing these things, I am thankful that my husband read this verse in his devotional tonight. It comes from Proverbs 4:1-9, specifically focusing on v7, "Wisdom is supreme, therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding...."
It doesn't matter what it costs us to finance my theological education. God will provide. And we believe He is choosing to have us earn our way through so that we may be better disciples of teaching how to be stewards of all of our worldly wealth, given to us by God. May we honor Him in understanding, learning, and teaching these principles of contentment and stewardship.
