All that keeps rattling through my head is, " 'Twas the night before seminary, and all through the house.....Kelly couldn't stop smiling and was overwhelmed with God's love...." The poetry gets lost a bit in translation, but I definitely couldn't think of anything better that rhymed with "apartment" instead of "house."
Tonight is my first "night before the first day of school" in approximately 11 years. The last time this happened, it was August 2011, and I eagerly - and innocently - awaited the beginning of my senior year of college. Two weeks later, tragedy struck our world, and my life and viewpoints were forever changed. Many more changes have occurred in the world since then - tragedies and joys, challenges faced and opportunities seized, relationships grown and relationships lost, and I could go on. The best part to me in all of this is that the same God who healed our broken hearts and helped create beauty from the ashes back then is the God of the universe who was, is, and is to come still today. Our lives keep changing, but God is God - Amen!
As I prepare to start my 3-year journey of a seminary education, I know I will be changed. I will grow and learn and will hopefully, God-willing, come out on the other side having learned more about myself, others, God, and God's church. I will be tested in my beliefs. My faith will be challenged. My emotions will be on the line, my intellect will question my foundations, and my energy will be exhausted trying to learn and understand the Bible, its original languages, and the history and practical applications of our Christian faith in modern ministry. Yet, when all is said and done. When I don't get the grade I want, when I lose my temper in a heated class discussion, when I walk away feeling dejected, when my family time doesn't seem like enough to get me through, I can - and will - turn to the cross. I will turn to the cross and know the same God who was there before any church history. The same God who was there before the Old Testament was there. The same God who sent Jesus Christ to die on the cross as a sacrifice for my sins. That God is still God the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit, and I am called to know him personally. You are too. We were created to be in relationship with our Creator, and what a beautiful relationship it is!
All praise to God that I have the opportunity to be here in this community. Wherever this time may lead me, my prayer for this season of life, especially, is to live out my time at APTS in a manner such that would make me worthy of the calling that is in me in Christ Jesus.* Thanks be to God!!
(*Paraphrased from Ephesians 4: 1-6)
Monday, September 3, 2012
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
The Sweetest Sound
There may not be a sweeter sound in the entire world than hearing your child pray The Lord's Prayer. Even though I know he doesn't likely grasp what he's saying and sometimes gets it wrong ("Deliver us to temptation.."), it is a pure love song from his lips to God's listening ear. And it melts me every single time I hear it.
Isn't that what God thinks of each of our prayers? We get so caught up in whether or not we are doing it right, remembering to pray for the right people and situations, or putting it off until a better time. But to God, it is the sweet sound of his child calling out to their Heavenly Father.
Isn't that what God thinks of each of our prayers? We get so caught up in whether or not we are doing it right, remembering to pray for the right people and situations, or putting it off until a better time. But to God, it is the sweet sound of his child calling out to their Heavenly Father.
Monday, August 13, 2012
Same Kind of Different As Me
If you've read my previous post, you know that I struggled to enjoy reading, writing, praying, and just being in my quiet moments in Plano this summer. I kept a few books in my nightstand during those months, even though most of our books had been packed up and stored in the garage for our staged house. One book, in particular, Same Kind of Different As Me (by Ron Hall and Denver Moore), was one that I kept out because I was determined to finish it. I had read about 75% of the book a few years ago when it came out and loved it, but I am notorious for only reading partial books and never actually finishing any of them (which is why even in audiobook form, it was a big deal that I finished Tina Fey's Bossypants this summer). For whatever reason, I had an internal need to keep that book out. I had a desire to read it a few times this summer, but could never remember where I had stored it. I never did find it until we moved and I put it on top of my nightstand so I wouldn't lose it again. While this all seems like extraneous detail, I believe this little book is part of a plan of God's pursuit in my life.
This past weekend, my uncle was in town (as were about 20 of my nearest and dearest family members, here to surprise my mom) and mentioned to me that he wanted to visit Ft Worth so he could see the homeless shelter that was the focal point in Same Kind of Different As Me. That was the final straw for me, so I came home last night after mom's bday weekend and pulled it out, nervous as to if I would remember enough details to just pick it back up where I left off. I started reading it and it was as if Ron and Denver were just sitting in my apartment telling me their story.
I am not finished yet, but I have read almost 100 pages in the past 24 hours. This is abnormal for me (which I realize will be a challenge in seminary, and is another reason I'm trying to retrain myself on how to focus and read better/more). I am no longer in my funk. I am reminded in Ron and Denver's gentle words that life is bigger than our everyday routines. Our everyday career paths. Even bigger than our nuclear family groups that we tend to idolize at times. Through this amazing story of a homeless man and an art dealer, I have been reminded of what it means to show love to someone. Particularly someone who you wouldn't normally feel inclined to show that you love. I have been reminded of my calling to share God's love with the world through leadership in the local and universal church. I have been reminded of life and death and hunger and longings and joy and pain and grief. All I could think of as I read the words in this beautiful book was how overwhelmed I was that God will still allow me to be a vessel used for God's greater purposes. I am so unworthy.
Ron's words echoed in my heart as he described how he felt after Denver had prayed and spoken God's word in his life.
"I marveled at the intricate tapestry of God's providence. Deborah, led by God to deliver mercy and compassion, had rescued this wreck of a man who, when she fell ill, in turn became her chief intercessor. For nineteen months, he prayed through the night until dawn and delivered the word of God to our door like a kind of heavenly paperboy. I was embarrassed that I once thought myself superior to him, stooping to sprinkle my wealth and wisdom into his lowly life." (p 183)
Oh, how it convicted me today to be reminded that my status in life, in my current or former career, my place in this world are all fleeting things. I love how much I have learned from a homeless man on the pages of this book. That he would be the one to write words that would comfort me and assure me that I have heard God and have answered God's call. That the art dealer who took him in would remind me that I am superior to no one and I have everything to learn from those who I view as "ministry opportunity." I love that a book copyrighted in 2006 would still be spreading love and acceptance and encouraging my faith six years later.
I'm headed off to read now - hoping to finish it tonight. In the meantime, I'm pretty excited for the other amazing and mysterious ways that God will continue to hammer me over the head to recognize that helping others understand how much God loves them has better eternal reward than any career path or perks that I selfishly continue to long for. Loving the homeless in Austin has been thrown in my face a few times in the past month I've been here and I imagine the conversation and response to this book could continue to inspire me to understand how the local churches in Austin are responding to the needs of those people.
In case you haven't read this fantastic story, please go check it out -
http://www.samekindofdifferentasme.com/purchase.aspx
This past weekend, my uncle was in town (as were about 20 of my nearest and dearest family members, here to surprise my mom) and mentioned to me that he wanted to visit Ft Worth so he could see the homeless shelter that was the focal point in Same Kind of Different As Me. That was the final straw for me, so I came home last night after mom's bday weekend and pulled it out, nervous as to if I would remember enough details to just pick it back up where I left off. I started reading it and it was as if Ron and Denver were just sitting in my apartment telling me their story.
I am not finished yet, but I have read almost 100 pages in the past 24 hours. This is abnormal for me (which I realize will be a challenge in seminary, and is another reason I'm trying to retrain myself on how to focus and read better/more). I am no longer in my funk. I am reminded in Ron and Denver's gentle words that life is bigger than our everyday routines. Our everyday career paths. Even bigger than our nuclear family groups that we tend to idolize at times. Through this amazing story of a homeless man and an art dealer, I have been reminded of what it means to show love to someone. Particularly someone who you wouldn't normally feel inclined to show that you love. I have been reminded of my calling to share God's love with the world through leadership in the local and universal church. I have been reminded of life and death and hunger and longings and joy and pain and grief. All I could think of as I read the words in this beautiful book was how overwhelmed I was that God will still allow me to be a vessel used for God's greater purposes. I am so unworthy.
Ron's words echoed in my heart as he described how he felt after Denver had prayed and spoken God's word in his life.
"I marveled at the intricate tapestry of God's providence. Deborah, led by God to deliver mercy and compassion, had rescued this wreck of a man who, when she fell ill, in turn became her chief intercessor. For nineteen months, he prayed through the night until dawn and delivered the word of God to our door like a kind of heavenly paperboy. I was embarrassed that I once thought myself superior to him, stooping to sprinkle my wealth and wisdom into his lowly life." (p 183)
Oh, how it convicted me today to be reminded that my status in life, in my current or former career, my place in this world are all fleeting things. I love how much I have learned from a homeless man on the pages of this book. That he would be the one to write words that would comfort me and assure me that I have heard God and have answered God's call. That the art dealer who took him in would remind me that I am superior to no one and I have everything to learn from those who I view as "ministry opportunity." I love that a book copyrighted in 2006 would still be spreading love and acceptance and encouraging my faith six years later.
I'm headed off to read now - hoping to finish it tonight. In the meantime, I'm pretty excited for the other amazing and mysterious ways that God will continue to hammer me over the head to recognize that helping others understand how much God loves them has better eternal reward than any career path or perks that I selfishly continue to long for. Loving the homeless in Austin has been thrown in my face a few times in the past month I've been here and I imagine the conversation and response to this book could continue to inspire me to understand how the local churches in Austin are responding to the needs of those people.
In case you haven't read this fantastic story, please go check it out -
http://www.samekindofdifferentasme.com/purchase.aspx
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
I Think I Made a Mistake
I need to write about 12 different posts to describe the last month or two. I think I need to write about 10 of those 12 just describing the emotional upheaval that I have experienced since last Friday when I left the Southwest Airlines' headquarters for the last time for the foreseeable future. I am not entirely sure where to begin the story, so I am just going to start typing.
It hurts. A lot. A choice I made, willingly, to depart a decade-long career, is causing me some of the most immense emotional turmoil I can recall. It seems ridiculous to me that I would be so upset by a decision that a) I made myself and b) I am excited about, but every seed of doubt that has ever filtered into my mind about doing this is rearing its ugly head right now. I am feeling attacked by Satan in every place in my life that he knows I can be vulnerable. My marriage, my self-esteem, my intelligence, my desire to be loved and safe and comfortable. It seems like the easy road would be to just hit the delete button on about the last 6 months. Maybe 8. Let's wipe out 2012 and go back to December and let me go get on that airplane to Vegas with Lynn before I had been approved by the church to pursue ordination. Because then, I would not have submitted my intent to matriculate letter that I received from Austin Seminary the following week Adam would not have moved in April to Austin and I would not be sitting here in my 987 sq ft apartment crying while I write this post about how ridiculous it all seems.
Have I totally lost my mind? Did I hear God's voice clearly enough as I discerned this call? Was I supposed to minister to people in Dallas, at SWA, or in some other capacity of my suburban existence? Why in the world did I walk away from the people and the perks that I had right in front of me? Why is it that "everyone else" seems to be able to live out their lives in ways that seem so much easier than me? I know academically and spiritually that Jesus did not call Christians to an easy existence, but I'm pretty sure I could have ministered to others just fine while living in Plano and working at Southwest.
My heart is grieving for the loss of friendships. I know they are still there, but I am not physically there. I miss the camaraderie. I miss the laughs. I miss people who know me and hug me and have a love/hate relationship with all of my quirks. I miss evening walks with Lynn. I miss ridiculous humor from Tracey. I miss singing across the cube as Kris and I joke around. I miss coffee dates with Tammy. I miss listening to Rishi chew in the cube next to me. I miss laughing with Ang about the chaos of children, work, and life. There are so many more, but too numerous to list. I miss my life. I feel like I am living a part in a movie. It's not a bad movie, just not the story-of-my-life movie. Or if it is, there was this really abrupt scene change that I wasn't quite prepared for, even though I had seen all the previews.
I know it will get better. I know I will make new friends. I can know all of this in my heart and still cry and grieve. Because I truly believe that even when Jesus told his followers to "Take up your cross and follow me," he knew that they would miss their families. He knew that Simon would miss the smell of fish on the boat, the feel of the nets running through his hands. He knew that they were good at their trades too, but it didn't matter. Jesus had a bigger plan for how they would be spending their days. And it wasn't necessarily the easy road. I am guessing the disciples looked at others as they were following Jesus and thought, "Why can't I be more like that guy? He is going to bed, tucked away with his family, and doesn't have to come over here and stay awake all night like Jesus has asked me to." But in the end, Jesus gave them so much more than any profession or family or friend could give them. And that is what my hope is based on. And even when I don't feel that way, I know the victory has already been won and the Holy Spirit will carry me through these dark days. I know the true truth. The reality of a risen Christ, who prepares a place for me someday. I just wonder if it will have tan leather seats and pictures of my friends and 737s on the wall.
It hurts. A lot. A choice I made, willingly, to depart a decade-long career, is causing me some of the most immense emotional turmoil I can recall. It seems ridiculous to me that I would be so upset by a decision that a) I made myself and b) I am excited about, but every seed of doubt that has ever filtered into my mind about doing this is rearing its ugly head right now. I am feeling attacked by Satan in every place in my life that he knows I can be vulnerable. My marriage, my self-esteem, my intelligence, my desire to be loved and safe and comfortable. It seems like the easy road would be to just hit the delete button on about the last 6 months. Maybe 8. Let's wipe out 2012 and go back to December and let me go get on that airplane to Vegas with Lynn before I had been approved by the church to pursue ordination. Because then, I would not have submitted my intent to matriculate letter that I received from Austin Seminary the following week Adam would not have moved in April to Austin and I would not be sitting here in my 987 sq ft apartment crying while I write this post about how ridiculous it all seems.
Have I totally lost my mind? Did I hear God's voice clearly enough as I discerned this call? Was I supposed to minister to people in Dallas, at SWA, or in some other capacity of my suburban existence? Why in the world did I walk away from the people and the perks that I had right in front of me? Why is it that "everyone else" seems to be able to live out their lives in ways that seem so much easier than me? I know academically and spiritually that Jesus did not call Christians to an easy existence, but I'm pretty sure I could have ministered to others just fine while living in Plano and working at Southwest.
My heart is grieving for the loss of friendships. I know they are still there, but I am not physically there. I miss the camaraderie. I miss the laughs. I miss people who know me and hug me and have a love/hate relationship with all of my quirks. I miss evening walks with Lynn. I miss ridiculous humor from Tracey. I miss singing across the cube as Kris and I joke around. I miss coffee dates with Tammy. I miss listening to Rishi chew in the cube next to me. I miss laughing with Ang about the chaos of children, work, and life. There are so many more, but too numerous to list. I miss my life. I feel like I am living a part in a movie. It's not a bad movie, just not the story-of-my-life movie. Or if it is, there was this really abrupt scene change that I wasn't quite prepared for, even though I had seen all the previews.
I know it will get better. I know I will make new friends. I can know all of this in my heart and still cry and grieve. Because I truly believe that even when Jesus told his followers to "Take up your cross and follow me," he knew that they would miss their families. He knew that Simon would miss the smell of fish on the boat, the feel of the nets running through his hands. He knew that they were good at their trades too, but it didn't matter. Jesus had a bigger plan for how they would be spending their days. And it wasn't necessarily the easy road. I am guessing the disciples looked at others as they were following Jesus and thought, "Why can't I be more like that guy? He is going to bed, tucked away with his family, and doesn't have to come over here and stay awake all night like Jesus has asked me to." But in the end, Jesus gave them so much more than any profession or family or friend could give them. And that is what my hope is based on. And even when I don't feel that way, I know the victory has already been won and the Holy Spirit will carry me through these dark days. I know the true truth. The reality of a risen Christ, who prepares a place for me someday. I just wonder if it will have tan leather seats and pictures of my friends and 737s on the wall.
Wednesday, June 13, 2012
Be Quiet
I'm learning how to be quiet. It's a discipline that I have talked in circles about for a year or two, but have never quite figured out how to master.
Living in our quasi-empty house a couple of nights per week is harder than it seems. While we still have furniture there and it's completely comfortable, we have none of our "stuff" there and no cable or internet. What on earth is a girl to do? Oh, wait....You mean I can write and blog and journal and read and create and think and pray and meditate and do all of those things that I claim to never have time to do? And yet, I find every excuse to add noise back into my life. I go to the gym for 2 hours (not a bad thing, but I do think I'm stalling at some point), I go get dinner, I run to a store to pick up a gift, I head to CVS, and when I actually decide to go home and face the quiet that I'm dreading, I turn on an audiobook
Noise.
None of the things I'm doing to fill my time are bad things to do. And in fact, I am trying to enjoy the opportunity to get things done without a three-year old in tow. But I am continually recognizing my inability to enjoy and reflect in the quiet times I've been given. I don't consciously dread the quiet, but I certainly don't embrace it either. I need to be better. I need to retrain myself to turn off the noise. I need to be able to function without the internet, tv, or even the constant music access I find as an escape.
It's so much easier to say than do. I am wondering if I could go on a "noise fast." Even for a day. Perhaps that will be my self-challenge next week when I am back in Dallas. Go straight home to my empty house and not be allowed to turn on any music, make phone calls, etc. Just me, God, and the quiet.
Challenge accepted. The Quiet Game begins on June 19th.
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Ordained
Tonight, I attended the Ordination Ceremony for the North
Texas Annual Conference. It was one of the most powerful worship services
I have ever experienced. The power of a room filled with 1500
people - all joyfully singing praises to our God and celebrating the
approximately 15 individuals who have committed their lives to ministry in one
form or another – is immeasurable. One could see, hear, and feel God in
the sanctuary for over two hours.
I loved the pastor who gave the sermon tonight. He was
a “big, burly black man,” as described by Bishop Bledsoe in his
introduction. And boy, was he ever. From someone who usually
attends a primarily white church, where we have trouble even singing some songs
because they feel too much like a spiritual, I love hearing a sermon preached
by a man who can get the entire <mostly stiff> congregation to shout
“AMEN!” His delivery was unlike any I’ve ever seen. He used words,
his tone of voice, his feet, twirling in circles, and lots of hand gestures to
get his point across. Most notably, he used the power of the Holy Spirit
to preach the Word. I am thankful that he answered his calling years ago
so that he could be put into such a place as our service tonight.
The Bishop was intently focused on how inadequate we are
from the day we accept our calling. He reminded us that this is not “our
ministry,” but God’s ministry!” It doesn’t matter where you are, how
important you may feel you are in the church, how good your sermons are, or
anything else. What matters is that you wait upon the Lord. What
matters is that you get out of the way so that the Holy Spirit can work through
you. What matters to you is that you walk alongside those who are hurting
and who need the love of Jesus demonstrated to them on a daily basis.
What matters is that you give people the hope of the Risen Christ. It’s
God’s ministry that we are privileged to share in through service to
others. May we each remember daily that our calling – whether full-time
ministry or otherwise – includes waiting, discerning, praying, seeking, and
most of all, loving. What a beautiful affirmation for all who were ordained or commissioned tonight, and what a beautiful reminder for each of us.
Can I get an “AMEN?”
Thursday, May 3, 2012
Going Public
Wow. Just wow. I knew coming into this week that I was excited to spill the beans about my personal life so that I could talk about how excited I am to be going to seminary, finally answering the call to ministry, and just be able to speak freely about life in general, without having to always think about my response. That had become particularly hard with Adam living in Austin for the last month, yet I couldn't explain any of that to coworkers.
Well, the news breaking this week has brought me to a new place of complete and utter thanksgiving for the grace of God. I have been so humbled. I have been so encouraged. I have been so touched by the words of so many friends at Southwest - and now beyond Southwest, as I posted to the masses on Facebook - who have shared how they are proud of me, they are thankful for me, and they are incredulous at the move that our family is taking to begin this new journey.
I want to share a few of the responses that have humbled me, made me laugh, cry, smile, or all of the above:
- "I am so glad the church is going to have someone like you. I might actually try going back to church if I knew someone like you was there."
- "You will be brilliant at this. I love that faith is getting someone so smart. Faith and logic is an awesome combo."
- "Wow, you took this 'increase conversion' goal really seriously."
- I admire you for following your passion. For leaving security and stability to do what you feel you are called to do. I am inspired by you.
- I want to read about this and follow along on your journey. Do you have a blog? (mentioned that I had started this one and it was unpublished so far....)
- I am so proud of you.
I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of support, as well as the outpouring of questions. I knew that this news would grant me the opportunity to discuss my faith in a way that is not typically allowed in the halls of corporate America. I did not realize how many questions people would have though, or how they would now turn to me for support and advice on things that we previously would have never discussed. I have loved every second of it. To be allowed into people's hearts and to be able to share mine. Living life together - this is what leading a community of faith will be all about.
God is so amazing. And this is just the tip of the iceberg. I can't wait. :-)
Well, the news breaking this week has brought me to a new place of complete and utter thanksgiving for the grace of God. I have been so humbled. I have been so encouraged. I have been so touched by the words of so many friends at Southwest - and now beyond Southwest, as I posted to the masses on Facebook - who have shared how they are proud of me, they are thankful for me, and they are incredulous at the move that our family is taking to begin this new journey.
I want to share a few of the responses that have humbled me, made me laugh, cry, smile, or all of the above:
- "I am so glad the church is going to have someone like you. I might actually try going back to church if I knew someone like you was there."
- "You will be brilliant at this. I love that faith is getting someone so smart. Faith and logic is an awesome combo."
- "Wow, you took this 'increase conversion' goal really seriously."
- I admire you for following your passion. For leaving security and stability to do what you feel you are called to do. I am inspired by you.
- I want to read about this and follow along on your journey. Do you have a blog? (mentioned that I had started this one and it was unpublished so far....)
- I am so proud of you.
I was overwhelmed by the outpouring of support, as well as the outpouring of questions. I knew that this news would grant me the opportunity to discuss my faith in a way that is not typically allowed in the halls of corporate America. I did not realize how many questions people would have though, or how they would now turn to me for support and advice on things that we previously would have never discussed. I have loved every second of it. To be allowed into people's hearts and to be able to share mine. Living life together - this is what leading a community of faith will be all about.
God is so amazing. And this is just the tip of the iceberg. I can't wait. :-)
Sunday, April 1, 2012
From Hosanna to Hypocrite
Our Built to Last Sunday School class at St Andrew has been studying Adam Hamilton's book 24 Hours That Changed the World. It has been a fantastic Lenten study guide and examines in detail what Jesus did and what he went through in the last day of his life before being crucified. One of the chapters and themes that has touched me most has been how Hamilton has allowed me to see myself in so many of the 'characters' of the Easter story. Let me share a specific example today.
I learned today that I didn't get any scholarship assistance for seminary. To say I am gravely disappointed is an understatement. I burst into tears upon reading the letter and felt a great sense of rejection. For someone who has a problem with a competitive nature and an obsessive tendency toward perfectionism, this cut deeply. Over the course of a few hours, I went from one who was thanking God and singing praises on the way home from a beautiful spring weekend in Austin. I was thanking Him for extravagantly answering our prayers in getting Adam his new job at Apple (which he starts tomorrow). I was praising Him for a precious sleeping child in my backseat. I was feeling overwhelmed with love at the thought of living in the same city as our parents and other family. Overall, I was having a very much "life is good" ride home today. And then, I went to get the mail when I got home. And my mood changed.
I burst into tears and started saying "Why, God, why??" Why did I just tell my boss 3 days ago that I am leaving the company of my dreams to pursue a nebulous calling that no one else understands? Why am I walking away from a successful career where I can boost my ego and my pride and make money and have fun while doing it? Why did I think this would be a good idea? Why did I want to do this in the first place? Why in the world is our house on the market and why in the world did I just leave my husband in Austin to start a new job so that we now have to live apart for months? WHY GOD, WHY???
I knew the ridiculousness of these cries even while I was having them, but I think that's ok. I think God wants me to feel my true, raw emotion. Especially today, on Palm Sunday. As I started getting past my pity party of one, I started having glimpses of how ironic it was that on Palm Sunday, I had gone from shouting "Hosanna in the highest!" at church this morning and praising my Lord and Savior as we remembered his triumphant entry into Jerusalem to "WHY GOD, WHY?" In a matter of hours, I had pointed all evidence of my calling into one stupid letter. I had doubted God's goodness. His grace. His mercy. His love for me.
This. is. ridiculous. I saw firsthand today how easy it would have been for me to be just a part of the crowd in Jesus' day. Someone who was waving the branch as he rode into town on the donkey, but who would immediately join in the chants of "Crucify Him!" as soon as he did one thing I didn't like. Or as soon as someone else made fun of him. Or as soon as something didn't go my way and put me in a bad mood. Oh how terrible it is to come to the realization that Jesus faced people just like me back then. And that he still carried that cross through town and that he still hung there all morning taking on my sin and suffering. Yes, even those awful four-letter words that came out of my mouth when I cut my foot tonight and thought I would never get through the night in one piece. He died for those. Even my doubt and fear playing stronger than ever tonight, wondering if people at the seminary "are going to like me or think I'm good at this job." He died for those insecurities too. He died for all of the pain that I am feeling today, even though this pain is nothing in terms of real suffering. And He died to ensure I never have to know that eternal suffering. I will be free to enjoy His presence and glory through eternity.
I praise God for the gift of grace through Jesus Christ, His son, who died and took on the sins of the world so that I may never have to shout "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" Who reminds me through His Holy Spirit that He is with me, will provide for me, and loves me unconditionally. Knowing these things, I am thankful that my husband read this verse in his devotional tonight. It comes from Proverbs 4:1-9, specifically focusing on v7, "Wisdom is supreme, therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding...."
It doesn't matter what it costs us to finance my theological education. God will provide. And we believe He is choosing to have us earn our way through so that we may be better disciples of teaching how to be stewards of all of our worldly wealth, given to us by God. May we honor Him in understanding, learning, and teaching these principles of contentment and stewardship.
I learned today that I didn't get any scholarship assistance for seminary. To say I am gravely disappointed is an understatement. I burst into tears upon reading the letter and felt a great sense of rejection. For someone who has a problem with a competitive nature and an obsessive tendency toward perfectionism, this cut deeply. Over the course of a few hours, I went from one who was thanking God and singing praises on the way home from a beautiful spring weekend in Austin. I was thanking Him for extravagantly answering our prayers in getting Adam his new job at Apple (which he starts tomorrow). I was praising Him for a precious sleeping child in my backseat. I was feeling overwhelmed with love at the thought of living in the same city as our parents and other family. Overall, I was having a very much "life is good" ride home today. And then, I went to get the mail when I got home. And my mood changed.
I burst into tears and started saying "Why, God, why??" Why did I just tell my boss 3 days ago that I am leaving the company of my dreams to pursue a nebulous calling that no one else understands? Why am I walking away from a successful career where I can boost my ego and my pride and make money and have fun while doing it? Why did I think this would be a good idea? Why did I want to do this in the first place? Why in the world is our house on the market and why in the world did I just leave my husband in Austin to start a new job so that we now have to live apart for months? WHY GOD, WHY???
I knew the ridiculousness of these cries even while I was having them, but I think that's ok. I think God wants me to feel my true, raw emotion. Especially today, on Palm Sunday. As I started getting past my pity party of one, I started having glimpses of how ironic it was that on Palm Sunday, I had gone from shouting "Hosanna in the highest!" at church this morning and praising my Lord and Savior as we remembered his triumphant entry into Jerusalem to "WHY GOD, WHY?" In a matter of hours, I had pointed all evidence of my calling into one stupid letter. I had doubted God's goodness. His grace. His mercy. His love for me.
This. is. ridiculous. I saw firsthand today how easy it would have been for me to be just a part of the crowd in Jesus' day. Someone who was waving the branch as he rode into town on the donkey, but who would immediately join in the chants of "Crucify Him!" as soon as he did one thing I didn't like. Or as soon as someone else made fun of him. Or as soon as something didn't go my way and put me in a bad mood. Oh how terrible it is to come to the realization that Jesus faced people just like me back then. And that he still carried that cross through town and that he still hung there all morning taking on my sin and suffering. Yes, even those awful four-letter words that came out of my mouth when I cut my foot tonight and thought I would never get through the night in one piece. He died for those. Even my doubt and fear playing stronger than ever tonight, wondering if people at the seminary "are going to like me or think I'm good at this job." He died for those insecurities too. He died for all of the pain that I am feeling today, even though this pain is nothing in terms of real suffering. And He died to ensure I never have to know that eternal suffering. I will be free to enjoy His presence and glory through eternity.
I praise God for the gift of grace through Jesus Christ, His son, who died and took on the sins of the world so that I may never have to shout "My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me?" Who reminds me through His Holy Spirit that He is with me, will provide for me, and loves me unconditionally. Knowing these things, I am thankful that my husband read this verse in his devotional tonight. It comes from Proverbs 4:1-9, specifically focusing on v7, "Wisdom is supreme, therefore get wisdom. Though it cost all you have, get understanding...."
It doesn't matter what it costs us to finance my theological education. God will provide. And we believe He is choosing to have us earn our way through so that we may be better disciples of teaching how to be stewards of all of our worldly wealth, given to us by God. May we honor Him in understanding, learning, and teaching these principles of contentment and stewardship.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Walk By Faith....one more thought
I should have elaborated a little bit on the other post, but I was determined to get those lyrics posted as I wrote them down real-time while listening to her song. :-)
I have just been at South by Southwest (SXSW) in Austin with my friends/coworkers for a conference. I enjoyed myself, but unfortunately had to leave early to tend to other work obligations that took priority. I had such a fun time with everyone and after leaving, I started feeling fairly crappy. I have been so frustrated lately living what I consider to be a less-than-truthful existence amongst my family and friends. I don't think I am acting wrongly, as it is important for Adam and I to get our ducks lined up in a row before we make any moves or communicate any changes to our work or friends. We need to protect our family and I feel confident that I am doing that in my decisions right now. There is no way that I could tell my boss that I'm leaving the Company before Adam has a job and we have a more defined moving timeline. It wouldn't be smart and would incite some panic and decision-making on a lot of fronts that I don't want to deal with yet.
However, I am a very transparent person. I have been experiencing exquisite dissonance in my soul from making plans and having conversations at work that I know would benefit from others knowing that my long-term goals have changed. I want to tell my boss and coworkers what's going on in my life. I want to tell them how excited I am to be answering this call. I want to tell them that I hope to use so much of what they have each taught me as a person, employee, and leader in helping to navigate our church through the changes of the 21st century. But yet, I sit quietly. Thinking about how "dishonest" I'm being. How much I will miss each of them. How much I will miss Southwest. How much I will miss the advancements that I have had in my career to a particular point of respect and leadership. The perks. The travel. The title. Meaningful stuff and completely selfish and trite stuff. Did I mention how much I'm going to miss my friends??? But most of all, I believe in Southwest Airlines, her people, and the cause and culture that she stands for, and I want to help them prepare for my departure. But I can't. And thus, I start to have a little temper tantrum with myself and then just start doubting the whole thing and thinking I've clearly lost my marbles and should be admitted to a mental institute, not to seminary.
And then, today, as I drove through central and east Texas on my way from Austin to Tyler, I had a very honest and open dialogue with God. I wouldn't say that my fears and doubts were appeased today on that drive, but I did start to have some visions about how I could use my digital and leadership background to be a church consultant or expert in digital communications. Perhaps as a stepping stone position that will enable me to transition from the corporate world to the church world. That reinvigorated some excitement for me. Rainn Wilson said yesterday in a keynote at SXSW that I attended that "The Internet is the future of spirituality....the many connections we have...." I agree and disagree with this statement, but believe he is right about the fact that the digital arm is a bigger part of our faith than we know. And I believe I need to be positioning myself in the church's organization to be a leader to help enact those changes as our world continues to change.
So tonight after I arrived in my hotel room, I opened up my daily devotion app, Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. It has been remarkably on-target lately when I have stress or other issues to deal with. Tonight, Jesus "called," I read it, and I am again reminded of the magnitude of God's love for me. The daily reading text I found is below.
Walk by faith, not by sight. As you take steps of faith, depending on Me, I will show you how much I can do for you. If you live your life too safely, you will never know the thrill of seeing Me work through you. When I gave you my Spirit, I empowered you to live beyond your natural ability and strength. That's why it is so wrong to measure your energy level against the challenges ahead of you. The issue is not your strength, but Mine, which is limitless. By walking close to Me, you can accomplish My purposes in My strength.
I want to live my life too safely. I want to keep my house, my suburban existence, my church home, our safe jobs, two cars, and nice middle-to-upper-class existence. More than that, I am making a conscious decision that I want to know the thrill of seeing God work in me. I choose to find out what's behind the curtain - I don't need to imagine what it is - I know it's going to be awesome.
2 Corinthians 5:7 - For we walk by faith, not by sight.
Galatians 5:25 - Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.
I have just been at South by Southwest (SXSW) in Austin with my friends/coworkers for a conference. I enjoyed myself, but unfortunately had to leave early to tend to other work obligations that took priority. I had such a fun time with everyone and after leaving, I started feeling fairly crappy. I have been so frustrated lately living what I consider to be a less-than-truthful existence amongst my family and friends. I don't think I am acting wrongly, as it is important for Adam and I to get our ducks lined up in a row before we make any moves or communicate any changes to our work or friends. We need to protect our family and I feel confident that I am doing that in my decisions right now. There is no way that I could tell my boss that I'm leaving the Company before Adam has a job and we have a more defined moving timeline. It wouldn't be smart and would incite some panic and decision-making on a lot of fronts that I don't want to deal with yet.
However, I am a very transparent person. I have been experiencing exquisite dissonance in my soul from making plans and having conversations at work that I know would benefit from others knowing that my long-term goals have changed. I want to tell my boss and coworkers what's going on in my life. I want to tell them how excited I am to be answering this call. I want to tell them that I hope to use so much of what they have each taught me as a person, employee, and leader in helping to navigate our church through the changes of the 21st century. But yet, I sit quietly. Thinking about how "dishonest" I'm being. How much I will miss each of them. How much I will miss Southwest. How much I will miss the advancements that I have had in my career to a particular point of respect and leadership. The perks. The travel. The title. Meaningful stuff and completely selfish and trite stuff. Did I mention how much I'm going to miss my friends??? But most of all, I believe in Southwest Airlines, her people, and the cause and culture that she stands for, and I want to help them prepare for my departure. But I can't. And thus, I start to have a little temper tantrum with myself and then just start doubting the whole thing and thinking I've clearly lost my marbles and should be admitted to a mental institute, not to seminary.
And then, today, as I drove through central and east Texas on my way from Austin to Tyler, I had a very honest and open dialogue with God. I wouldn't say that my fears and doubts were appeased today on that drive, but I did start to have some visions about how I could use my digital and leadership background to be a church consultant or expert in digital communications. Perhaps as a stepping stone position that will enable me to transition from the corporate world to the church world. That reinvigorated some excitement for me. Rainn Wilson said yesterday in a keynote at SXSW that I attended that "The Internet is the future of spirituality....the many connections we have...." I agree and disagree with this statement, but believe he is right about the fact that the digital arm is a bigger part of our faith than we know. And I believe I need to be positioning myself in the church's organization to be a leader to help enact those changes as our world continues to change.
So tonight after I arrived in my hotel room, I opened up my daily devotion app, Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. It has been remarkably on-target lately when I have stress or other issues to deal with. Tonight, Jesus "called," I read it, and I am again reminded of the magnitude of God's love for me. The daily reading text I found is below.
Walk by faith, not by sight. As you take steps of faith, depending on Me, I will show you how much I can do for you. If you live your life too safely, you will never know the thrill of seeing Me work through you. When I gave you my Spirit, I empowered you to live beyond your natural ability and strength. That's why it is so wrong to measure your energy level against the challenges ahead of you. The issue is not your strength, but Mine, which is limitless. By walking close to Me, you can accomplish My purposes in My strength.
I want to live my life too safely. I want to keep my house, my suburban existence, my church home, our safe jobs, two cars, and nice middle-to-upper-class existence. More than that, I am making a conscious decision that I want to know the thrill of seeing God work in me. I choose to find out what's behind the curtain - I don't need to imagine what it is - I know it's going to be awesome.
2 Corinthians 5:7 - For we walk by faith, not by sight.
Galatians 5:25 - Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.
We Walk By Faith...
I needed to share these lyrics tonight as I had a day of doubts. I hate having days like these as I think about my future, but I know that when I look back on them, it will make sense. All I need to know for now is that I'm being obedient to God, and that, I do still believe is the case. This song has been sung by our church choir at a couple of key moments in my life in the past year. I have been digging through Google trying to find out who wrote it (there are two other much more common versions), but I finally found the right version tonight. I wish we had a recording of the St Andrew choir singing it. It is a very powerful and beautiful song.
We Walk By Faith - Kristyn Murphy
We walk by faith and not by sight
We trust in God and not in might
For in our darkness, He is light
We walk by faith and not by sight
Sometimes triumphs go away
We don't know what to do or say
But we know God will make a way
If we will trust, trust and obey
We walk by faith and not by sight
We trust in God and not in might
For in our darkness He is light
We walk by faith and not by sight
We trust in God and in His Son
What God has promised will be done
And as each journey is begun
His Holy Spirit makes us one
We walk by faith and not by sight
We trust in God and not in might
For in our darkness, He is light
We walk by faith and not by sight
We may not fully understand
But we are guided by His hand
And as we follow His command
God leads us to the promised land
We walk by faith and not by sight
We trust in God and not in might
For in our darkness, He is light
We walk by faith and not by sight
We Walk By Faith - Kristyn Murphy
We walk by faith and not by sight
We trust in God and not in might
For in our darkness, He is light
We walk by faith and not by sight
Sometimes triumphs go away
We don't know what to do or say
But we know God will make a way
If we will trust, trust and obey
We walk by faith and not by sight
We trust in God and not in might
For in our darkness He is light
We walk by faith and not by sight
We trust in God and in His Son
What God has promised will be done
And as each journey is begun
His Holy Spirit makes us one
We walk by faith and not by sight
We trust in God and not in might
For in our darkness, He is light
We walk by faith and not by sight
We may not fully understand
But we are guided by His hand
And as we follow His command
God leads us to the promised land
We walk by faith and not by sight
We trust in God and not in might
For in our darkness, He is light
We walk by faith and not by sight
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Welcome to my new world
If you're reading this, it means that I actually have been blogging and have reason to go ahead and release this to the world. I'm not entirely sure how to classify how that makes me feel. Overwhelmed with joy, anxious, excited, cautious, thankful, blessed, and many more. Fear isn't on the list. At least not tonight. It comes and goes, but God has been faithful to us each step of the way on this journey and I don't doubt that He will see it to completion. I wholeheartedly believe I am being obedient to His calling on my life and I know He will be faithful to show me His endless grace and mercy as I continue to navigate what that means.
I plan on posting fun stuff here. Random thoughts and my sometimes 'expressive' sense of humor. My life in transition from a marketing manager to a full-time seminary student. Insights given to me from my husband and my very verbose 2-year old. I'll probably also post a few off-the-wall thoughts on God, family, friends, or life in Texas.
May God continue to bless me with a desire to write and express my deepest thinking in a format that can be used for building others up, educating, entertaining, and hopefully inspiring a few along the way.
G'night, ya'll. Happy Valentine's Day!
I plan on posting fun stuff here. Random thoughts and my sometimes 'expressive' sense of humor. My life in transition from a marketing manager to a full-time seminary student. Insights given to me from my husband and my very verbose 2-year old. I'll probably also post a few off-the-wall thoughts on God, family, friends, or life in Texas.
May God continue to bless me with a desire to write and express my deepest thinking in a format that can be used for building others up, educating, entertaining, and hopefully inspiring a few along the way.
G'night, ya'll. Happy Valentine's Day!
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