I should have elaborated a little bit on the other post, but I was determined to get those lyrics posted as I wrote them down real-time while listening to her song. :-)
I have just been at South by Southwest (SXSW) in Austin with my friends/coworkers for a conference. I enjoyed myself, but unfortunately had to leave early to tend to other work obligations that took priority. I had such a fun time with everyone and after leaving, I started feeling fairly crappy. I have been so frustrated lately living what I consider to be a less-than-truthful existence amongst my family and friends. I don't think I am acting wrongly, as it is important for Adam and I to get our ducks lined up in a row before we make any moves or communicate any changes to our work or friends. We need to protect our family and I feel confident that I am doing that in my decisions right now. There is no way that I could tell my boss that I'm leaving the Company before Adam has a job and we have a more defined moving timeline. It wouldn't be smart and would incite some panic and decision-making on a lot of fronts that I don't want to deal with yet.
However, I am a very transparent person. I have been experiencing exquisite dissonance in my soul from making plans and having conversations at work that I know would benefit from others knowing that my long-term goals have changed. I want to tell my boss and coworkers what's going on in my life. I want to tell them how excited I am to be answering this call. I want to tell them that I hope to use so much of what they have each taught me as a person, employee, and leader in helping to navigate our church through the changes of the 21st century. But yet, I sit quietly. Thinking about how "dishonest" I'm being. How much I will miss each of them. How much I will miss Southwest. How much I will miss the advancements that I have had in my career to a particular point of respect and leadership. The perks. The travel. The title. Meaningful stuff and completely selfish and trite stuff. Did I mention how much I'm going to miss my friends??? But most of all, I believe in Southwest Airlines, her people, and the cause and culture that she stands for, and I want to help them prepare for my departure. But I can't. And thus, I start to have a little temper tantrum with myself and then just start doubting the whole thing and thinking I've clearly lost my marbles and should be admitted to a mental institute, not to seminary.
And then, today, as I drove through central and east Texas on my way from Austin to Tyler, I had a very honest and open dialogue with God. I wouldn't say that my fears and doubts were appeased today on that drive, but I did start to have some visions about how I could use my digital and leadership background to be a church consultant or expert in digital communications. Perhaps as a stepping stone position that will enable me to transition from the corporate world to the church world. That reinvigorated some excitement for me. Rainn Wilson said yesterday in a keynote at SXSW that I attended that "The Internet is the future of spirituality....the many connections we have...." I agree and disagree with this statement, but believe he is right about the fact that the digital arm is a bigger part of our faith than we know. And I believe I need to be positioning myself in the church's organization to be a leader to help enact those changes as our world continues to change.
So tonight after I arrived in my hotel room, I opened up my daily devotion app, Jesus Calling by Sarah Young. It has been remarkably on-target lately when I have stress or other issues to deal with. Tonight, Jesus "called," I read it, and I am again reminded of the magnitude of God's love for me. The daily reading text I found is below.
Walk by faith, not by sight. As you take steps of faith, depending on Me, I will show you how much I can do for you. If you live your life too safely, you will never know the thrill of seeing Me work through you. When I gave you my Spirit, I empowered you to live beyond your natural ability and strength. That's why it is so wrong to measure your energy level against the challenges ahead of you. The issue is not your strength, but Mine, which is limitless. By walking close to Me, you can accomplish My purposes in My strength.
I want to live my life too safely. I want to keep my house, my suburban existence, my church home, our safe jobs, two cars, and nice middle-to-upper-class existence. More than that, I am making a conscious decision that I want to know the thrill of seeing God work in me. I choose to find out what's behind the curtain - I don't need to imagine what it is - I know it's going to be awesome.
2 Corinthians 5:7 - For we walk by faith, not by sight.
Galatians 5:25 - Since we live by the Spirit, let us keep in step with the Spirit.
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